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Saturday, 17 September 2011 12:50 am
 It was not at all as if it had happened overnight after Lisa's death. If anything, he had been rather dense about the subject. It had likely not helped that he almost felt as if he should not exist. He had been dead. He had been dead and then he had very suddenly been extremely alive. Jack had brought him back. How or why, he had no idea. But the feeling of just being... wrong, that had lingered for weeks afterwards.  

Ianto remembered being furious all the way to the countryside where people were going missing. He had plotted the route specifically to irritate Owen with the most exposure to the outdoors. But he had hardly seen the views as he drove. Every time he started to ask Jack what had happened, something came up, or he lost the nerve to ask, or Jack had simply disappeared.

Not that it would really have mattered, had he not made it. Once you were part of Torchwood, Torchwood owned you, alive or dead. Not just you; all of your belongings, your entire life, as well. 

But that nagging idea that he really shouldn't exist plagued his mind for weeks. He might have, possibly, been a tiny bit more abrasive than was actually necessary. 

The look Jack had given him after the comment about snogging Lisa had not exactly implied that he was pleased. No matter. Ianto was not pleased either. Feeling dead and not dead was not a pleasing thing.



Everyone else thought… well, everyone else thought that it had been simple. Just to forget about everything and walk right to Jack… And sometimes it was. Sometimes, it was entirely simple to just go to him and forget everything and everyone. Jack could make a good case for never leaving a room he was in, he was somehow excellent at making the world fall away in favour of indulging in him instead. Sometimes.

Everyone else thought he just stopped caring about anything, and started sleeping with Jack just to do it. To imagine that it all had never happened. 

It had never been that. There had been those moments, at the very beginning, in between saving one another. Catching Myfanwy had been the most obvious moment that it had started. Conflicting things that had started there. It was all there, from the beginning. A sort of tension that simmered under the surface in every interaction. 

Then there had been Lisa, and while Ianto may have been flexible in his definitions of relationships, he was nothing short of a faithful partner. All of the things happening in the background had to fade to white noise in the face of her pain, and the need for her to be well again. It would have been a betrayal, then.

 But then Lisa was gone. All of her pain, their pain, the pain that had sometimes filled the space between them, until there was no room for anything else. All of the guilt for what he felt when he wasn't with her. All of the ties that made it so he was kept to one place and time. There was grief, yes of course there was. But eventually... It was more like he had been mourning her for a very long time. Since the battle of Canary Wharf. Since the War. Since Torchwood One. He had been grieving for so long, even while she was still 'alive', that it didn't seem so inappropriate to try to step past it so soon after she 'died'.

And this, this tension between himself and Jack. It had also been there for most of that time. Waiting for the moment when it could fully make itself known. 

This wasn't new. This wasn't abrupt, or sudden, or flighty, or a whim. It was inevitable. It was only a question of when.




September 2011

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